Never did I think I’d come to the dark side of starting a blog (haha). Instead of starting it by sharing info about my trip, though, I’ll start off with confessions that have been on my heart recently.
1) I’ve never been a person for words.
I’ve never exactly been good at connecting words or providing them myself. While I’m fascinated by the creativity in words, I have a math/science mind. Numbers, equations, laws, and theories all make sense to me (most of the time), like defined pieces of a puzzle.
More than that, words are concrete. Things get real with words written on a page or spoken from one’s mouth. Facts and opinions. Joys and struggles. Words mean defining the existence of certain things, whether you want them to be real or not.
2) I’m terrible at processing things.
Processing circumstances, like writing or speaking, means admitting that they, big and small, and their burden on us (and those around us) are real. Then, processing emotions, like venting or weeping, means admitting that we’re vulnerable to these circumstances.
Pride stops me from processing in the first place. Then, more times than not, when I do finally feel determined to process, like I can push myself through it this time, fear stops me.
3) I’m still realizing this: Processing is not the obstacle. Pride and fear are.
Throughout my freshman year of college and my family life’s turn upside down, my gut instinct has been to move right along with the world around me: no time to process, and it’s totally inconvenient. I don’t want to disturb anyone. So is it really necessary?
After months of learning this the hard way, I want to share this with you if you’re reading this and don’t pay attention to anything else in this post… moving forward is IMPOSSIBLE without moving through these things that are so difficult and heartbreaking.
Pray to the Lord. PLEAD with the One who loves you as His child and from whose control nothing was left out. Read the Holy Word, His personal letter to you. Share your heart with the people He’s placed in your life to trust. Love them by letting those people share their hearts with you. Step back to realize that you will never be enough without Christ, and that your circumstances will never satisfy you. Sometimes it’s writing these things down. Sometimes it’s compartmentalizing. Sometimes it’s crying your eyes out, no matter how much you don’t want to. Sometimes it’s sitting alone, reminding yourself of the truth of who Christ is and who you are in Him. Sometimes it’s doing this with a friend or two. Sometimes it’s someone else doing this for you as you sit in silence. Sometimes it’s putting this stuff on the back burner for a while. Sometimes it’s pausing to invest in the people around you.
Whatever it is, processing is vital. And it’s okay.
Take some time to breathe. Take in the grace and mercy of the Father, and love Him.